So I made this blog in order to get me through an extended water fast. Like, a 17-day water fast. Actually several, but I’ll explain more on that later.

First of all, I don’t care if no one sees what I write. I don’t care if everyone sees what I write. I’m doing it for me, because I need to feel like I have more support than I probably do. Also, it seems I fail everytime I try to start a fast (which has been every day for the past 4 weeks), so I desperately need a new way of keeping myself in check.

Second of all, I’m not going to listen to anyone who thinks that fasting won’t help me, or any of their advice. Not trying to be rude or closed-minded, I’m just so set in my ways that any outside opinion will not and can not penetrate ~this~.

Last of all, I will be oversharing. What I will write about are things that I have never said out loud, so there’s no identifying me. I’m gonna get personal, it’ll get a little gross and sad, but– again– I don’t care what anyone thinks.

As I’m writing this, it’s 7:53pm on Tuesday, March 19, 2019. Over the past 4 weeks, I have been spending money everyday buying junk food, taking it into my room and binging on it, and hiding all the evidence from my roommates out of embarrassment. Each day I wake up thinking it will be the day I finally start my fast, but then something always happens in my head, and I rationalize and I justify, and then I break, and I break HARD. I buy something sweet and something savory, and I make sure to finish it all so that there’s nothing left for the next day– because of course the next day will be day 1 (although it never is).

During this time of unhealthy eating and habits, I have put on about 20 pounds. I’ve had perpetual abdominal pain and issues with digestion. My skin has become oily; my hair is falling out much more in the shower and is thinning on my hairline. (Gross alert) Blood comes out with my bowel movements because I believe I have hemorrhoids, and each movement is a yellow, sickly color. I’ve been suffering from gas pressure and flatulence; in my weeks-long binge I have hardly eaten a fruit or vegetable. The past few days, my feet have become very swollen and I’ve been retaining water all over. I get hot flashes with no warning and, overall, feel uncomfortable and ill.

So now that I’ve shared with you all my ailments, it should be clear what I’m trying to heal. I’ve also had an utterly terrible relationship with food and my weight for going on months now. While fasting may have appealed more to me before for losing weight, it now appears to be the only way for me to break out of this vicious cycle of binging and improve my digestion and general health.

I will be updating on my fast and sharing new thoughts every day. Please fix me, water!!

-Saddy